When You Least Expect to Celebrate Mother’s Day: 3 Tips for Black Moms

Unexpected pregnancy?

Skipped period. Positive pregnancy result. Ultrasound image. But still can’t believe it? Insert weight gain, and need for diapers and wipes before baby arrives. All of which can have you anticipating anxiety and a drastic change to life.

Mothering comes at a higher cost for some more than others.

Every April during National Minority Month, Black Maternal Health Week is held because black moms in the U.S. often struggle to find the support they need in a timely manner to improve their birth outcomes. 

There are some important lessons I’ve learned from experts around the nation on how a black mom can have a better pregnancy, birth, and improve their infant’s life. Some of them include the battle to overcome racism and decades of higher maternal and infant mortality rates.

Consider sharing these three tips to empower a black family this Mother’s Day.

1. Accept the timing

I actually thought to become a mom of four was a mistake because of “poor timing” (I got pregnant less than 4 months after marriage and was pregnant about 21 months between each birth.)

I never thought it would crush me to see the disappointment on the faces of those I loved when I kept announcing, “I’m pregnant again.” But it did. Why couldn’t they see that I had overcome a miscarriage my first time and every subsequent pregnancy was a miracle of life? Instead, many saw yet another financial burden.

Motherhood is like a detour on a road uncharted. Motherhood doesn’t care about our past dreams coming to fruition. Or does it?

Did you want to do grand things like having an amazing career and hike in a national park? Maybe you’d like to travel the world before the baby is born? I wanted to cruise annually and enjoy island-hopping but baby-wearing and breastfeeding often made me more home-bound than ever before.

Motherhood requires your circle to stretch… go, oval baby!

You can still achieve many of your dreams with support by simply expanding your village. Be willing to find someone like #Momprenuer to help you like these single black moms did. What you’ll find is that resourceful people become guides to walk you thru step by step so you can get your mindset, finances, and goal-setting JUST right!

Even if you’re hesitant being too close to people right now, consider saving bucks. Instead of spending hundreds on your pregnancy announcement, gender reveals, or baby shower, provide guests a virtual invitation to celebrate as a community. You can implant into the minds of those in attendance that a new family member [your baby] is a blessing for you all. Remember that any help they can offer is welcomed even if your guests are miles away across the globe.  In return, you can save towards investing in any professional support you may need along the way including labor support, breastfeeding support, newborn care, or child care.

Patience is key.

I thought of pregnancies as an opportunity to grow. It didn’t always feel good to be confronted with the changes needed in my diet for baby’s sake or marriage for my husband’s sake. But it was so worthwhile to do that work BEFORE baby arrived. And should you need more time afterward, don’t worry. You’ve got at least 6 months under your belt!

  
Ask yourself, what can I grow during my pregnancy? How can I develop personally to make the most of this season by focusing on bettering my health and relationships?

2. Master managing your stress and coping mechanisms ASAP…. like now… I’ll wait.

“One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation,” said Arthur Ashe. 

You may need to prepare to pull all the stops when it comes to keeping your mental and emotional health in check during pregnancy. I remember being a pregnant first-time mom, I could be calm or at ease one minute and stressed out and hormonal the next.  Unresolved anxieties and emotional issues showed up in the labor as well (ask me about prodromal labor–no fun!).

As a doula, it’s important that black moms have keen self-awareness and understand how to manage life stressors. This can look like reaching out for help after significant trauma like discrimination, abuse, or grief. Before things escalate and overwhelm you daily, take time to pause and breathe simply because you deserve a moment to yourself.  If you have support in-home or close friends and family, regularly delegate a domestic task or two and commit to doing at least one intentional, self-care activity per day.

Ask yourself, what would happen if you end up worrying all throughout your pregnancy long? What messages will you send to your unborn baby about the care he or she should expect to receive once they are born? 

Be slower to speak.

What you say does matter to your baby’s brain. The baby is listening and can respond to sounds and stress. The mother’s cortisol levels (stress hormone) can negatively impact not only the development but the birth outcome as well.

Try more relaxation techniques like deep or slow breathing to help you focus your breath on sending oxygen to your brain and your baby.  This helps me regularly manage my mini mommy-meltdowns and keeps them to a minimum. 

3. Advocate for yourself – Include your family, friends, and healthcare provider.

Depending on how and where you’re deciding to give birth, you may find that some people will have a strong opinion. Thankfully, the only opinion that really matters is yours. Stand firm on your decision to labor in the method and setting that best suits you and your family’s decision to birth your baby as safely as possible.

I have had some doubters along the way that even showed up at birth. Literally, someone screamed for a transfer to the hospital smack dab in the middle of my first ever birth center birth. Thankfully, I didn’t need a transfer nor do I remember hearing that.

Being able to walk away from each and every birth unscathed, healthy, and alive with my baby means that I am an anomaly according to statistics. I am so thankful and must credit the support I received throughout every pregnancy. 

Support brings success

Let your family and friends know that they can jump on your “support” train. If they are resistant, kindly ask them to take a car on another train track especially if any of their stories stir up tension within you. Protect exactly what your mind pursues as knowledge and be informed before making your decisions.

Keep in mind that the same can be said of your provider. Test to see if the vibes felt by your doctor or lack of information shared during your prenatal visits make you feel more or less uncertain about your birth. Before you hit 20 weeks gestation, you can safely switch providers, choosing a midwife (LM, CPM or CNM) or different doctor (OB/GYN).

If you have trouble finding answers to your questions or simply your voice, consider hiring a birth professional like a birth doula. Nationally, the discussion is about how doulas have been linked to helping to reduce infant mortality rates and improving birth outcomes, especially in the births of black moms.  Doulas can help women with decision-making both in-person and virtually. 

I hope these tips not only decrease your stress but increase the likelihood of having a much more positive birth experience but also a very Happy Mother’s Day!