We were very close. Our relationship was so strong I thought it would last forever.
Although I never invited her into my life, she showed up the day I became a mom for the first time a few years ago.
When my baby was born, in the discomfort of my postpartum days, guilt knocked on my door. When I was the most vulnerable I had ever been, I opened the door. She didn’t seem like a stranger. I thought she might have something valuable to say. So I let her whisper thoughts into my heart.
I let her in… and I listened, just like that.
The way she captivated my heart was very subtle. Quick thoughts started crossing my mind. Little by little our communication started increasing. Well, it was more like a one-way avenue. She spoke directly to my heart and I kept paying attention and believing each one of her words. It seemed like she knew me so well!
“You are not doing enough for your baby”…
“He is crying too much because he misses you… you should have not left the house without him”…
“Are you going to give him formula? really?”…
“He got sick because you are not breastfeeding him exclusively”…
“What’s going to happen when you go back to work?”…
“Daycare? really?”…
“Are you going to keep going with your life as if nothing happened?”…
“He’s screaming because you are not holding him enough”…
“You are not doing a good job”…
“You are not a good mom…”
In the loneliness of my own negative feelings of inadequacy and sadness, the constant presence of guilt seemed natural. Time went by and she was still there, getting stronger and invading deeper portions of my mind and heart. At some point I assumed it was just part of the motherhood package. Or so I thought.
A few months into motherhood, a very influential person in my life told me that guilt is like a muscle that appears right behind a mom’s heart the day her baby is born. It grows attached to it, wrapping it (trapping it) and it stays there, forever! I would have to learn how to live with it as I find ways to control it so that it wouldn’t drag me into a storm of fears and depression.
That thought bothered me so much!
Why? Why would I have to accept that it is ok to feel guilty about pretty much every single decision I make in my children’s lives? Why do I have to accept the presence of (the uninvited) guilt in my own life? Why should I let her take away so much from me, from every moment of joy with my baby?
So one day I had enough and I decided to break up with my guilt. I broke free!
It’s a decision! A close relationship with guilt starts with just one thought. One thought is enough to tear us apart if we give it the power it doesn’t deserve.
One negative thought that we choose to believe is enough to penetrate our minds, cascade down to our hearts, and affect us to the point of thinking that we are not good enough.
Sure, guilt is a natural feeling we all experience when we become moms. It’s normal to put pressure on ourselves because we want to do things right. Raising our children is the biggest responsibility, the most important job we will ever have on earth. But let me tell you something: if you are a mom it is because God believes you can do a great job raising your children. He equipped you to fulfill this role and He wants you to turn to him for help and wisdom!
The Bible says in Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” As moms, this needs to be our priority. As we guard our hearts, we become emotionally and spiritually stronger and that’s crucial when it comes to raising healthy children.
I still struggle with guilt, but I have learned to guard my heart by identifying negative thoughts coming from a place of unreasonable guilt. My husband also helps me with this. Whenever I start doubting myself, I turn to God and His truth, and replace these negative thoughts with His promises. That’s how I have learned to find strength to stay away from guilt and never, ever go back to the toxic relationship I used to have with her.
Love it! I’m not a Mom but I can see how guilt can take part of our hearts so easily.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Thanks for reading it! Guilt can be very destructive and it doesn’t only apply to motherhood, it can apply to many other relationships and circumstances. We just need to build a good emotional and spiritual defense system to keep it as far away as possible!
Val, you rock! Knowing you for so many years and reading this post made me realize the great woman, mother and friend you are. Love U! 🙂
Mili! Your words are so encouraging! You know you are one of my first and main references on motherhood, family and friendship values. Thanks for every experience and learning you have shared with me. Love you too!!
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