Letting Go: Wrestling with the Desire to Conceive Again

I am 42 years old and I have been trying to conceive for the last three years.

I feel as I have been through an emotional roller coaster and a true struggle in this journey to conceive again. After two specialists and 2 years of acupuncture treatments I decided I was done trying. It was my 41st birthday when I decided to let go, I remember telling my acupuncturist. She really wanted me to continue. She was full of hope. I was emotionally exhausted.

Six months later I got pregnant with twins.

One could not imagine how elated my husband and I were. We definitely were shocked about having twins again but this had been our dream for years.

Three months later I miscarried.

What was the result of this? Feelings of sorrow, anger and disappointment, but something this loss gave me was hope.

The miscarriage really did cause so much pain. One doesn’t realize how horribly difficult it is until one actually experiences it. And there really is no help at the doctors’ offices. It happens so regularly that they don’t address it as they should (that’s a totally different post). I had to wait 3 months to start trying again because I had a partial molar pregnancy.

These three months were such a struggle. They consisted of weekly OBGYN visits where they would take my blood to check my pregnancy levels. Once my level was down to zero I could start trying again.

I had to walk into an office where everyone was pregnant to do this. Instead of being happy for everyone, all I could do was feel sorry for myself. It was awful.

Even though I was really depressed I had to carry on for my family and for myself. I quickly channeled all my energy and emotions and changed them to positive and hopeful ones. In April, I had to set a mental goal for myself and I gave it a year. I have been taking all the vitamins that have been prescribed, I have gained weight, stopped my excessive exercising and started acupuncture again.

The obsession with trying to conceive has really consumed me.

I feel that it might be time to start to let go of the idea. I have realized that I have two healthy twin boys age 5 that need my full attention and a husband who needs his wife back. Is it wrong to want more?  When is it enough?

Choosing to Cope

I have several coping tools that I have found helpful when I begin to feel consumed with the desire for another child, or children. Prayer, meditation and journaling are helpful to me personally. Quieting my mind and thoughts for 10-30 minutes a day relaxes and grounds me.  Journaling opens windows into my true self. Be true to yourself.