A Baby Over 40?!
Ok mamas, deep breath, here we go. Having a baby over 40… where do I begin? I just hope my little bit of insight can help you navigate through your doubts, questions, or fears (whether you’re over 40 or in your 20s). Whether you’re trying to get pregnant or not–40 is not 100.
Our first son Marcelo, born March 2019, was a surprise. What does that mean? It means we weren’t on any schedule or “trying” to make a baby. From the moment we learned we were pregnant I knew I wanted a sibling for him. Sidenote: we didn’t know the gender until his birth. We wanted the big moment in the hospital. You know, the one from the movies, “It’s a boyyyyyy” and cheers erupt in the room. Sure, call me old-fashioned but don’t call me old. I was 39 at the time and would be 40 when delivering. In doctor years, however (and to many others) I was “old.”
The Journey Getting There.
For a solid year after Marcelo was born, we were taking in this new chapter of our life. Then we began our journey to have a sibling. We had no idea what we were doing, besides… well you know. But the timing, the days I’m ovulating, basal body temperature, I had no idea about any of it. Eventually, I started acupuncture and learned a lot.
It’s not for everyone, but I accept that having a baby over 40 meant I might need a little help. In the words of Leonardo DaVinci: “You cannot leave everything to fate. She’s got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand.” I went down the internet dark hole reading about egg quality worsening with age and how it couldn’t be improved, TSH and FSH… I started to feel it was a dead end. My acupuncturist was the real deal and insisted I ignore all of that. Fast forward three months, and I was pregnant! Seven weeks later, I suffered a miscarriage. The rise was as quick as the fall. The hope of hearing that heartbeat quickly faded. We felt robbed. How can such a joy come into our lives and so quickly be taken from us? I never thought it would happen to me.
The Aftermath
Then came the comments. “Well, be thankful at least you have one,” “At your age, you’re lucky to get pregnant,” or my favorite “Maybe you guys don’t need another one.” Things like that. I am pretty good about things rolling off my shoulders, but this was new territory to me. First, of course, I’m thankful to have our son–is that a joke? Secondly, I’m acutely aware of my age. I’ve deliberately celebrated each one with cake and blew my candles. I may not do the things I did in my 20s, partying like a rockstar til 6 am, ace a test the next morning, and do it all over again (so you twenty-somethings don’t impress me). I’ve just refined my priorities a bit since then.
“At least you have one,” what does that even mean, “at your age.” Like having a baby over 40 is an anomaly or something. Yes, I am grateful and so happy with our family, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’d like to grow it. In the next couple of years, we’d continue trying. Waiting for months in between was frustrating because I was always reminded that time wasn’t on my side.
Giving Up
By the third miscarriage, faith was challenged. I couldn’t see it anymore and started to accept that this was what was written for us. Thankfully, our acupuncturist made sure that we drowned out the toxic talk. If you’ve been on this journey, you’ve been told something along the lines of, “Your egg quality decreases with age… blah blah.” I’m sure you start learning about TSH and FSH and all kinds of numbers that drive you down a Google rabbit hole. The feeling of defeat was settling but she believed in her ability and we believed in her. My FSH was at 14.1 and 10 or below is the best shot at getting pregnant indicating better quality. Something the internet said was practically impossible to improve, especially at my age. But it happened, we saw the number in black and white, my numbers improved to 10.2 and kept going.
Looking For Reason
We had suffered 3 miscarriages in 2 ½ years. Each time a little more numb, chipping away at our hope. But I said I’d keep going until I couldn’t. I just didn’t know where that endpoint was. It was triggering seeing pregnancy announcements, social media became toxic. When we’d find out I was pregnant, I’d be at a store wandering aimlessly and pick up a cute teether or pacifier, just in case. It felt ridiculous because I was waiting for the shoe to drop. And clunk, it did each time. I’m not sure if it got harder or easier. I remember the first ultrasound; my husband couldn’t go because of COVID procedures in Doc’s office so we were on video call. The silence was deafening. We started to expect the worst news each time we found out we were pregnant. I started believing a baby over 40 was ridiculous.
Make It Make Sense.
I will confess, every day it felt like women’s fertility and pregnancy had become a war of politics, religion, and everything in between–which made it all more difficult for me to accept what was happening. Can I say there’s a reason the first three pregnancies didn’t take? No. Can I put it into perspective? I’ve tried. There was no choice in the matter, it was in the stars. I had to end something that never really began, well it did but it didn’t… by law and argument of others it was undefined. I grew angry and confused. What I believed was that Marcelo needed more time with us, just us three. Maybe the Universe knew he wasn’t ready for a sibling, but it was written in the stars. I didn’t know much for certain, but what I did know is that having a baby over 40 shouldn’t be taboo.
A Rainbow
However, after nearly 3 years, I grew tired. Drained and disappointed, I felt I needed to begin a new journey, getting comfortable with the possibility that it might just be us three and that was okay. I didn’t want the ‘what if’ dangling over our heads forever. If it was meant to be, it would happen. Like my Dad always said, ‘maktub’ which means it is written (in the stars).
So, we stopped. I took a month off from acupuncture and drinking teas and everything else… and we went to Disney of course! Not because I changed my opinion of it all, but I needed a reset. We decided it was the perfect time to shift our focus for a moment to celebrate our little one’s preschool graduation going into summer. When we returned home after a week of blissful childhood fun, I remember sitting on the couch at 11 pm with my husband thinking–is it possible? I felt so drained from unpacking, but something just felt… je ne sais quoi.
SURPRISE!
I had a test left over from the previous times, I had to pee anyway, so I took a test. Truthfully, for the heck of it. I mean there was no way. Minutes later, my eyes filled with tears –wait what? PREGNANT? Was this for real? Did Disney just work its magic? Coming from a place where all you hear is “Believe,” it felt almost unreal and ironic simultaneously. I came out with a jewelry box I had and told him I had forgotten to show him the necklace I ordered. He put down his computer and opened the box completely oblivious and we were both silently in tears and rejoicing while Marcelo slept.
As the stars would have it, baby #2 had the same due date as Marcelo, March 8th (right before Mother’s Day). We decided in January we would take our last Disney dance as a party of three.
Miracles.
March 11, 2024, Santino arrived, our “little angel.” It was surreal. The entire 9 months all I heard was about how my having a baby over 40 was a risk, blah-bla-bla.
I became so frustrated during the ultrasound that I asked the technician, “Is there anything wrong?” She replied: “No.” Had I shown any complications in any ultrasounds? “No.” When she replied “There are risks,” I replied “Yes, but they don’t apply to me so stop talking about my age.”
Here’s the funny part, whenever I asked about “the risks” I never really got a concrete answer other than “your age.” Listen: aging is a privilege, not an endangerment. I am just grateful I never gave in or gave up because I have 3 angels on our side up above and 1 little one here with us.
Never let anyone tell you you can’t have a baby over 40 or do anything over any age. You are what you want to be.
I am happy to talk to anyone about their journey, or give support, or be a shoulder to cry on if you need it. Just reach out to me.
